Ruth a lesson on being a Friend

 This week we talk about Ruth and Friendship we have a special guest Marsha McClendon of Seed Conversations. Marsha  answers the question of  the week and gives us her views on friendship.


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Alena Hassett  0:13  
Hello, and welcome to classic conversations. In our first season we will be talking about five women of the Bible, and how we can relate to these women in our everyday life. Closet conversations is our intimate space where we don't have to hide. It's our place where we inspire women of faith, like yourself, to have those conversations that we're afraid to discuss openly. I'm your host Selena, the creator of her Alabaster, a wife, and a mother, but more importantly, a woman God has on a journey called life. I'm hoping to encourage women through life experiences of myself and other women. So please join me every Sunday, as we have candid conversations about life in our personal experiences, and how we can have the courage to be vulnerable, facing it while God unfolds on purpose. Today, we're going to talk about friendship, and we have a special guest, Marsha McClendon, of sea conversations. So before we get started, let's start talking about the woman of the week, Ruth, and if you don't know her story, she has a whole book dedicated to her in the Bible. And if you guess the name, Ruth, you got it right. So here the story goes. Naomi, who is the mother in law, her family settled in mo optic scape of feminine Judah. She had two sons, who my Moabite women offer and Ruth, Naomi's husband, and our sons died, which left her as a widow and childbirth. Also her daughter in laws without husbands, Naomi, realizing she had nothing left told her daughters to return home. And she would go back to her home country of Bethlehem. She urged them to return to their families. They were young, and they could start again. Offer. She took her up on the offer and kissed her and said, Goodbye. But Ruth, she refused to leave Naomi, and she said, where you go, I will go where you lodge. I will watch your people shall be my people. And your god. Oh my god. Wow. I just love that part. Can you imagine how traumatic she said that? Ruth is an example of loyalty, service and devotion. Can you imagine? In her mind, she was deciding to be a widower and keep her mother in law's company for the rest of her life. But little did she know. Y'all go ahead and read the book of Ruth. It's such a beautiful story, and has a surprise ending. I guess today is a family coach, and a parenting strategist for teens and young adults. I've known him for over 17 years. And this week, we're placing in the hot seat to answer the questions of the week. Marsha, are you doing? So happy to have you on our podcast? I do. You're actually our first official guess. And we are so excited to have you on this episode as we talk about friendship. And I like we like to do you like to x? The question of the week. And this question of the week is what type of friend are you just gonna throw you out there really quick. So what type of friend are you?

Marsha Mcclendon  3:51  
Okay, and thank you for having me. I am honored to be the first what's hap a friend of my mentor? Good question. For me, the answer will probably be the answer. I have a lot to do with it. Who am I a friend to? You know, there's I feel like there's a levels the friendships and depending on who I'm a friend to, I may turn up or show up in different ways. And when I say that, let me before you start chatting. Let me preface it. Oh, let me back up and say this. So this covenant friendships, okay, you know, when you show up in that relationship different than you would show up in natural relationship, okay. And then there's friendships where you and the person may have an understanding. You know, if I need you, you're if there, if I need somebody to come through, I can call you. But it's not necessarily the type of friend that you meet and share everything personnel with, and you, you know, go over for Christmas and Thanksgiving and all this extra stuff, right. And then there's friends, where you might call them your best friends, where you hang out with them a lot, you talk to them every day, or you talk to them every so often. And even if time may have cost, time and distance may have caused you guys to separate, you still have a strong connection, a strong bond, you're loyal to each other. You're like family, you're like sisters, you know, these are the friendships that has endured the test of times, you've been to different seasons, you've saw each other gang, get married, get started job, start a family go to different seasons go to different things. And I don't even know if I categorize those as friends anymore. To me, they just become family, you know, they just become a part of everything. So dependent on who I'm a friend to, like I said, I'll show up differently. I have true real close covenant and best friends to speak, I probably can say I have maybe three. And to them. Like I said, I don't even think we are friends anymore. I really think that we are family. And when I am a friend when I make close friends. First of all, when I'm a covenant friend in relationships, that I'm in a covenant friend. I feel like we are close. But I think it has a lot to do with turn up there in our relationship in a very spiritual way. And we're very aware of our role and our responsibility in each other's life. It goes beyond us laughing and having fun it, it goes into a whole new different space where we say, I hold your soul. I hold your your spirituality, your growth, who you are in Christ, what are you trying to do who you're trying to be? I hold a very high and close I place a value on that. And regardless of whatever is going on, I'm going to be that song, wising it air, I'm going to be that person, I'm signed up to be that person, let's see what the Bible has to say about that, you know, even when you don't want to hear it, you know, I'm that one, that's going to be the undercurrent, just saying, Hey, okay, bring you back in. You know, this is, you know, and not ever friendships. Value. Not every relationship appreciates that, you know, there's some people will you might be natural friends, and then I'm like, I don't want to hear what the Bible got to say. And you might be okay with it. Because you know, that's not your role. It's not the agreement in that relationship, you know, some and it doesn't mean that person is a bad person or anything, it just means that they're not at that place yet. And you're not that person's person for that particular thing. You know?

Alena Hassett  8:28  
Yeah. No, no, no, that that actually was very good. And you covered. I don't think a lot of times when people hear the word friend, because people use the word friend so loosely nowadays. And I don't think they realize that there are categories to friendship, you know, you have the acquaintance that you might go to an occasional dinner with, get invited to a party. And then you have, you know, the co worker friend. And then you have the covenant friend. And I feel that for me, as I've gotten older, I no longer I have one category of friends and that's the covenant friend, everybody else is an acquaintance. And, and a good point she made was the covenant friends, because sometimes it comes family. As you get older, you know, I think friends become family, if they're true friends. Today, we're talking about Ruth and you know, I gave my version of Ruth and Naomi story and how, you know, as a young woman, she left you know, her husband died her mother in law had nobody else released for her to marry So, but she said that she would go after trusting that friendship that she wanted to be loyal to her she did not want her to be alone. And basically given up her life, and I think about that, um, you know, at that point in time that crossed over from even into a covenant relationship because I In her mind, as she was saying her future was she was subjecting ourselves to go with this older woman, and just be with her to support her because she knew she didn't have any family. And sometimes having that covenant relationship, it's a part of sacrifice, sacrifice and a part of service. And I don't know if a lot of people go into friendship looking to serve, or they go into be served. Right, fine advice. And so when we talk about the Ruth and Naomi, relationship, what does that? What is that story? In your mind? What does that show you? What does that reflect to you? What does it make you pause and think about when it comes to relationships?

Marsha Mcclendon  10:54  
I think two things really stand out to me is the level of servanthood. The unconditional, you know, part to servanthood that has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you. And I don't think that we see that today in relationships, you know, it's hard to see in marriages, where the two should become much, much less in actual friendships. And I think the main reason for that is because we don't have role models, like we used to, yeah, you know, at least that based on, you know, the foundations that relationships should be based on now, you know, and so servanthood sticks out to me a lot. You know, how loyal she was. She was very, very loyal to my mother in law. And that really stuck out to me. So the servanthood, and the loyalty, but I feel like that goes hand in hand. And then the next thing that stands out to me is the relationship that she had with her mother in law. And I think so many times in our present day society, we don't have the same regard for mother in law.

Alena Hassett  12:17  
Yeah, that's, that's. Yeah, most time you have people talk about how they don't have a good relationship with their mother in law. And I think it's sad. It's really, because this is someone that should really could really give you insight to someone you've met, that you're becoming one with. So you know, that's a very good, that's a very good point. And another point she brought up was, I guess, you know, as you go through life, right, you you're younger, and as your relationship with God develops, like, you know, and whatever plane your relationship with God themselves, whether it's your 20s, your 30s, your teens. What, how does your relationship with God factor into your relationship with other people? You know, you might have close friends that you start off where you know, you were in, like, I've had friends where we started in the club, one has gotten saved. One is not saved, one is teetering. Some of the friendships have fallen off. But I found that the ones that even though some aren't saved, we still carried on our relationship, but the ones where we both had a relationship with God, we have our relationship has strengthened. How does God factor into your relationships?

Marsha Mcclendon  13:50  
I think that he plays a major role. And I feel weird, saying that out loud, because, like you said, like you rightly said, maybe 15 years ago it isn't something that I would have even thought about, you know, as I was younger and trying to find myself and my voice and my place in the world, you know, you go through different seasons. And the friends you meet really some sometimes you meet really good people, like you say that you've been friends with for a while. And then on your journey. God says hey, hey, you know, you respond, you made that decision to respond to the love of God and change your life and and some of those people may have fallen off, you know, and now you're in a place where God is everything you're trying to work out your salvation, you know, and he's now become the lens through which you see life in your see relationships and One of the things that I've learned in my friendship with God and learning from God is still being able to manage those relationships in a way that wouldn't allow them to pull me back to where I've coming out from, but still being in their life so that they know what somebody whose life has changed to be, indirectly being a witness, to God's love being around so that they can see the change. I'm trying my best, of course, with the help of the Holy Spirit, not to straddle the liens, not to portray something that would blemish my weakness in their eyes, but actually be there be around and be present to some degree, because, of course, we can't do the things that we used to do, I can't be the person that I used to be, I have to be this new person that I am in Christ, but I can still be around so that you can see and what I found is some of my friends that I used to hang out late and go to the club with and stuff, now they come to New and a new prayer, they come to me when they need to have that voice that when they need encouragement when they need, you know, to be uplifted. So still being around and being able to show them that God is good, and still being able to show them that my life has changed. And I'm not gonna come to you in a way that condemns where you are, because you have your journey, you know, and my hope is that one day you will be where I am in Christ. So I keep that line of communication still open, of course, with a very, with a with a strong reverence for who God is in my life right now. So in in the relationships that, you know, in relationships, where my friends are on the same journey with me, of course, guy shows up in a different way, in those relationships, he's constantly talking to me, he's constantly talking to them, we're constantly hearing from the same Holy Spirit, that may be dealing with different things in each other's life at different times. So even with that, you have to respect what that is doing in each other's life.

Alena Hassett  17:25  
I think I think that is a really good point. Um, as good as your relationship you become, you know, your relationship with God happens, and he is now the light standing within you. And you separate yourself, like, in a matter of you think you're better, but certain situations, you know, you don't do the club anymore. You might not engage in certain conversations or doing stuff like that, you know, you think you're better. But now you have to set yourself aside, in a matter because God lives within God lives inside of you. And now you need to be the light. You need to be the example. And you can't tarnish your witness also, because now you're saying you're a new creature. You're saying that I don't live this lifestyle anymore. I don't think I'm better than you. But I've made some changes. And we can still be friends. It's not that you cast your friend aside, we can't we can still be friends. But these certain things I don't do anymore. And I think a lot of times in friendships when you get to this point of life. A lot of times sometimes people get sick, they're like, Well, you know, they people feel as if maybe they're looking down on them, or Oh, you think you're better than me because you don't do this anymore. But having that relationship with people I'm building, because I think you have covenant relationships with different people. Sometimes some friendships are some friendships help pull you along the way they make you stronger, and some relationships you pull to make some people stronger on their journey, because God has placed you in your life for them. So how do you deal with friendships where you have difficulties, where you have one person that pulls on you a lot, you want to walk away from it, not not negative or harmful relationships. But you're like, Okay, I don't want to have to deal with them. They always have these issues. But at the same time you hear God not giving you the release to walk away from it, because he has you on this journey with them to help them to see the goodness in him so that you can be like, how do you handle difficult friendships? I know for me, I've gone through a period of where I just I get silent and I want to I want to just walk like I want to get like I want to play silent and hope that I fade into the sunset. And God sometimes he doesn't allow that. But now I've learned to address difficult situations versus placing my head in the sand? Or, you know, how do you how do you deal with difficult friendships as you transition or, you know, in your friendships,

Marsha Mcclendon  20:15  
I don't want to sound cliche, but I pray about it. You know, I really pray about it, because I think we underestimate sometimes the power of the Holy Spirit. And if we stop until I say, He's calling us to do something, he also equip us to do it, you know, and what that may look like in the natural is being silent, not necessarily pushing your head in the sand, but waiting for the promptings of God. You know, and, and being patient. You know, sometimes we're not patient with people, it's when my level of patience is where it can, I can feel it is like a start rising up is like this heat start going through my body. And I want to say, get the point, you know, or I want to want to deal with this, I want to, I want to just throw this out the window, I don't have to deal with this, I can go on with my later life, and be pleasing to God, and don't worry about you. But there's a certain level of hypocrisy in that, in that the sense of your friendship with Christ, He demonstrates so much patience with you, you know, so, so much patience with you. And when we realize how flawed we are in the eyes of God, and he still choose to be our friend, it should, to some degree, you know, call us the thing about how we show up in the relationships, that he still want us to be a part of, you know, and praying and asking him for patience. I have seen God showed up in situations where I prayed before and say, Holy Spirit, I need your help. You know, and sometimes it means same before you deal with that person or interact with that person, you're saying, Holy Spirit, I need your help. And you might be surprised how you suddenly get the grace, to deal with that person. You need grace, you need the grace. And sometimes you don't seek it. Nobody's saying sometimes we, we have not because we accept. So you may not have the patience, and the grace to be with that person, because you really didn't ask for it. So even though God has is asking you to do something, you can also ask him, you know, for what you need to do it, you know, to call those things to the surface. And sometimes praying before you interact with that person, I find that when my pride in my flesh is at its peak, if I can truly find even if it's 30 seconds, to truly just pause, and still myself. And there's times when I'm like, Okay, I'm pausing, but my mind is still going and I'm still upset, I'm still okay, I'm truly not seeking God in that time. I need to humble myself and say, God, I truly, truly just need your help dealing with this person. And being honest with him, he knows you feel like punching the person in the face. He knows you feel like walking away, but being honest with him and asking him for his help. And I've had relationships that weren't necessarily bad, but I know they weren't good for my relationship and what I was trying to where I was trying to go, and who I was becoming in Christ, I feel like every time I get around this particular friend, for whatever reason, I would just start doing things that I didn't want to do. And when I say things, I mean not bad things like maybe gossiping, or maybe, well, that is bad. But you know what I mean, maybe gossiping, or maybe even Carson, you know, and I'll be good until I get around that one person. And I'm like, this is an I leave or right in the middle of it, I hear the Holy Spirit. I'm like, this is not the person that I want to be why fall back into this. When I'm with you, I have to disconnect, you know, whatever it is I have to disconnect, I have to reach retrieve a really get stronger, really get stronger in myself, you know, and God is not necessarily calling you to walk away from those relationships. But sometimes in relationship you have to go through a period of seclusion where you seclude yourself. We got to gain the ammunition and the strength that you need to deal with other relationships. But it's not going to happen on your own. You're going to need the help of the Holy Spirit.

Alena Hassett  24:48  
Definitely. And you talk about humility and in friendships and humility is so it's such a powerful thing, people People feel as though when they're humble people get the opportunity to walk over them or they get to step on them. But humility goes hand in hiring serve service as a friend. When I think about the story of Ruth and Naomi, Ruth was a young girl, she was beautiful. She didn't have to do that. But she chose to serve her, she humbled herself, and she was rewarded for it in the end. But when you talk about friendships, and we say, you've talked about setting yourself aside, secluding for a time sometimes you have to step away from some relationships, because like, like you said, you find yourself in situations or doing things that you know, you're trying to pull yourself away from or that God is speaking to you about, and then some some relationship of those relationships, you find that you've gone back together, you know, yeah, yes, years down the line, but what aspects of Ruth Carter inspires you to overcome your own challenges in relationships and your friendships?

Marsha Mcclendon  26:03  
Sarah, you know, as I look, once again, at the way how she humbled herself, the way how she serving served her mother in law, and I would even say that her mother in law became like a mom, when I think about food, I often wonder, the Bible doesn't need as much context, but I always wonder, where was her mom? You know, where was her mom in, in this whole picture, she

Unknown Speaker  26:33  
was in the city.

Marsha Mcclendon  26:37  
She was back there. But apparently, whatever relationship she had, you know, because when she said to run, and she said, your your God will be my guide your people will be my people. So what's the influence? Yeah, that, you know, her mother and our hat on her to make her say, and I think it could could not cut her off. I think it was the Holy Spirit. You know, she saw something she saw a god. And that's why sometimes we can't walk away from people, because we've changed. You got to stick around. So they can see that God in us. So she saw something in her mother and it made her say, Oh, I'm gonna leave my people, my mom, my family may have whatever is back there is not worked. What I see you, and I'm going to serve you. And I'm like, yeah. She, she, she didn't see it, you know, she didn't get it right then. But route got it would saw and so that servanthood and the way how she took care of her, you know, she went to work, and she made sure that she brought food back home, you know, and she gave so much into that relationship. You know, she turned up and she gave and it inspires me to think about service. You know, sometimes I don't want to be inconvenience. You know, if I'm, if I'm being honest, sometimes I have an agenda. And I'm the type of person I can get buried in whatever it is I'm doing and I could not want to be pulled away. You know, and I I hate being inconvenience. I want to do, I wanna, I want to do and that is major right there.

Alena Hassett  28:24  
That's, that's a good point to a point you bought is the other daughter in law. She was She didn't see what Ruth saw Naomi. Mm hmm. And that brings brings up the point not every friendship is sometimes it's just a friendship first even for some sometimes it's just someone that God has brought into your life for you to help them in a season for you to serve them in the season or vice versa. If not, it might not be that covenant relationship that good that goes through the test of time. But which brings up to me when you have a covenant friendship or a friendship and you have a friend not because we said Ruth saw something Naomi that she she admired and we assume that they had this peachy keen relationship but you know in reality we know that you know, no relationship is perfect that you have right you have tests of times you have issues you have inconveniences, how do you deal with relationships when you have something you see something and you're like, I got we got as your friend, I have to address this I got I can't allow you to go down this road. And this is this is really where for me I see the difference in confident friendship and friendship because some people don't see you going down a road and they won't stop you. And and really that's not a friendship but you deal with death when you see a friend going through A difficult time and they need support, or you see them heading down a road that you're like, This is not what you say, as a child of God, as upstanding a woman, or man, this is not. This is not what you state your life is about. This is not who you are, and you're heading down a path, you're not lining up. How do you deal with the how do you address these issues? Or do you allow your friends to just Well, that's their life, live your best life? You know, what is it? You only live once? YOLO?

Marsha Mcclendon  30:32  
No, no? No, it has a lot to do, once again, when I say if it's a covenant relationship, and, and not even a covenant relationship, covenant relationships, most definitely. But I, for me, I am. So the way how I'm wired to a follow up is, and I'm just being transparent here, I am the type of person that trying not to invade, you know, people's privacy. Okay, with that being said, if I know that we have the type of relationship, that if I know that we have the type of relationship that we speak into each other's life, the first thing that I'll probably do is pray. The first thing that I probably do is pray about it, and I forgot how to approach it. And once again, I don't want to sound cliche, I just know that in the past, I've, I haven't had a lot of courage in this area, in the sense of I'll just be like, Okay, if that's what you want to do, you know, and so I asked that for the strength to approach it, you know, if I believe that the relationship is worth the confrontation, I should say, then, I'll pray and ask God for, for wisdom on how to go about how to deal with it. And I'll approach it, you know, I'll try to find the best time you when you're in relationships with people, you know, when is the time to talk, and when it's not necessarily the time to address the situation. You know, in some of my friendships, I know that the time to address the situation, maybe when we're both in a good space, we're happy we're eating, were having laughs and that might be the time, you know, it's definitely not in the middle of whatever it is, that's happening, you know, and it's figuring out, when is the right time to approach depending on the Holy Spirit. And going forward, I used to think, because of my own childhood issues and stuff, I used to think that if I address certain things that people will walk out of my life, you know, so for me, it was hard for me to address things in people's life, the people that I love, because I always felt like if I did is going to mean that they're not going to want to be friends with me anymore. You know. So in my own stuff, I had to grow. And I had to rely on God for help in that area in saying that, no, these friendships that you have our friendships that I've placed in your life, and you guys are going to stand the test of time, and find my voice and saying, If I see you hurting yourself for messing up, I'm going to say something because I love you. I'm going to do the love. And I'm going to let you know, the reason why I'm addressing this is because I love and dealing with whatever awkward silence that may come from that, you know, because people always say, you know, if you see me doing something wrong, come and tell me. Well, it takes courage for the person to approach you. You know what I'm saying? And then it takes a lot of courage for you to humble yourself in here. And there's,

Alena Hassett  34:05  
you know, does it receive it and receive it I found that I have I have this thing that I do. And And just in case. Our listeners don't know, we've been friends for over 17 years. That is why and we've gone through the test of time. One of the things that I find is if I have a friend that's going through something at a time before I might have just been like, No, you're wrong, or you're not looking at it clearly I've asked I've given them the grace of Do you want my is this? Is this the period you want me to listen? Or is this the period you want me to tell you? My honest opinion, and sometimes it's just a matter of I just need you to listen right now while I did this is not who I am, I'm just a little frustrated. And before I do make the wrong move, I need to vent. And sometimes during it, like you said, you have to say, let's stop and pray. Let's just stop in the midst of this. And that's great. Sometimes you just have to say, you know, depending on this variable to say, just stop, just stop, you're right, or you're wrong. But I've also found on the flip side, when it comes to things that have happened to me that have hurt me, I've it's been, I haven't had the courage to speak up out of, I'm afraid, I don't want like to hurt my friend's feelings. But I've learned through the process of you know, going Tet the test of time, so that in the servitude of friendship, that we both have to serve each other, we both have to humble ourselves. And that means if I value the relationship enough, I have to be honest. And that's fine. It's about my feelings, how you made me feel, or and you've been vice versa, telling me how I've made you feel. And I think that's, that's, that's a key point to refreshing. And, you know, sometimes people come in on your date, 17 years of friendship, and they want they want to know, okay, how are they so tight, because they've planned the test of time. And, you know, I've heard this statement where people say, you're, you can meet someone, and you could be friends over someone that you've met, you've known for years, or family. And, to some degree, I disagree with that. Because I think the people that you've seen for those years, you've known they have not been a friend. I think a part of friendship is not when you make one mistake, do I cut you off? Do I say that is the totality of you as a person. I especially in this canceled culture that we live in, right, you made one mistake is a wrap, you're done. Part of friendship is you fell down, that doesn't cancel everything that you've done, we have to address it. But now we move on from that area, here, we discuss it, and we have to heal from it versus one mistake. And you know, I think it was I'll cut you off. And I honestly, I used to be one of those persons. And it just it shows that the unforgiveness that we have, and the point of matter of I make mistakes, you make mistakes. So when I make a mistake, I want to be forgiving. But when another person makes a mistake, I can no longer forgive them. And that really brings into case the humility that we need to have in our relationship. We have to be humble about it.

Marsha Mcclendon  37:56  
Yeah. Sometimes I feel like we don't the maturity, you know, is the maturity is not there. And we don't really get to experience the other side of work working through something, you know, the other side of seeing when a relationship mature, so it's the highest starts comes to maturity. What does it truly look like? And what's the goal to mine out of that, you know, what I'm saying we don't want to work through to get to the other level, because like you said, we are living in a counterculture time, and I'm sick of it, you know, we just gone to the other extreme, and we canceling everything in anybody, you know, and I think is the planet the enemy, because he doesn't want us to have good strong relationships because he knows what a good strong relationship would do to you and do to your life. You know. So instead of canceling people, sometimes we just need to be fighting for relationships we need to do to work relationships give us the opportunity to grow, you know, it's not only what the other person is getting out of it, a lot of times we look at, oh, this person's us, man, this person's getting out. But this relationship is causing me to grow in certain areas that I never would have gotten in, if I just walk away. I want to learn forgiveness. You know, I want to learn how to navigate uncomfortable things, you know, which is what you need. If you're going to be a parent, if you're going to be a wife, you know, you have friendships that helps you grow to maturity so that you can experience the goodness in other relationships. You know, if you're going to be a mom and you're not going to cancel your child, you're gonna have to learn how to walk with forgiveness, how to walk, love, how to, you know, walk in humility, how to ask for forgiveness, you know, if you're going to be a wife is the same thing. You're going to have to learn these service. If you can learn them, you know, other relationships, the shifts Ships. So if you want to learn these things is going to better equip you to win and be successful in other areas. But so many times we shy away from broke, you know, we shy away from what we shy away from what group can actually do in our life, where it can take us from one level to the next. And then you talking about wanting to be a boss wanting to be a CEO wanting to lead people. Okay, baby, you're gonna have to grow?

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